2020, where do I even begin...

2020, where do I even begin...

Well its been a while and a lot has happened to say the very least...

I started off this year with the most optimism I’ve ever had. A year I was going to absolutely smash and be a year I could look back on and be proud of. Safe to say we're in November and this definitely isn’t the case. I started it with the mind set to become the new healthier, slimmer and more confident me and it got to February and I was no where near my goal. Don’t get me wrong, I'd had the best time, I'd been on a holiday with one of my closest friends and met some of the most amazing people then COVID-19 struck.

I was a workaholic, work was my life and I was so damn proud to be where I was at the age I was. However, that all came to a standstill when the country went into national lockdown. This threw me right off my game. I had my career path set out and I was then unfortunately made redundant in August. I was lost. I had no direction and didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve always had a major fear of being lonely after going through a very bad time during my high school and college years. A time I never wanted to go back to, however the group of people who got me through this was my group of friends. They are honestly the best people to walk this planet. The messages, the FaceTime’s, the late night meet ups for coffee (2 meters apart in separate cars obviously) Alongside these I had the most amazing family supporting me in every way they could and backing my every move.

Now these ‘moves’ weren’t the best moves and its safe to say I definitely went off the rails. I spent more days drunk than sober, I spent money I definitely didn’t have and found myself going days without making time for my family. None the less losing every moral and life lesson I had always stood by. I had always been so confident with who I was and very proud when I said this, however this year has been a massive eye opener for me. I was lying to those around me, I was hurting those who had been there for me the most, I was making the wrong decisions and not even questioning it. I had lost myself completely. I had gone from being surrounded by the best work family, aspirations and goals to completely clueless.

Not many of you will know, and this might be one of the strangest ways to address things to my nearest and dearest but I actually fell in love with a woman. For someone who’s always been so confident in my sexuality and such an open minded person, this scared me. But what can I say, I like men and women.  My family & friends have never and will never judge anybody regardless of who they fall in love with, what they look like or what they believe in. The one thing they care about is that those people are good people and this is something I am forever grateful for. So for them to be so accepting of me is something I will appreciate until the day I die. Falling in love has made me make silly mistakes, hurt people I never wanted to hurt, tread on people while trying to get to the top & try to make too many people happy without thinking about myself. I’ve hurt those closest to me and lost friends I thought I’d die with. But, I’ve learnt a hell of a lot of lessons and I can only say they will make me a better person in the long run. By all means I’ll never be perfect but I am a good person with a big heart and these mistakes will only help me.

When I sit and say I wanted to be proud of myself this year, I’m actually writing this thinking to myself, no I am damn proud of myself and so should all of you reading this. We are going through a global pandemic and we are all still standing, smiling and giving it our everything. So you should all be proud of yourselves too. I have said multiple times 2020 has been the worst year of my life but it’s the one year I’ve also learnt so much about myself from.

I am starting a new job, I have applied and been offered an unconditional place at an amazing university next year, I have had the best memories and laughs but had the most heartbreak and tears. I’ve watched my sister become an amazing manager and strong minded young woman and watched one of my best friends give birth to the most beautiful little boy. I’ve sang and danced & I’ve lived and learnt…Yes I may have written my car off in an RTC and lost my little red baby but I’m alive, I’m healthy and I’m breathing.

As we enter another lockdown, please don’t feel like your alone. There are so many people that care about you and are there for you to speak to. Me being one of them. I am finally finding my feet again. I have a new career opportunity, I am starting to be happy on my own again and dependent on myself & I have and will say again, the bestest family behind me and some of the most amazing friends that I love with all of my heart. Every single person reading this will have had an impact on who I am today and I am forever grateful of you.

Please all of you keep believing in yourself. Never change who you are for anyone else, don’t get caught up in silly drama and gossip and never change your morals. Always listen to your gut and stand your ground. You can only be the best version of you and I believe in you, I really do.

Please all take care of yourselves and try and have the best Christmas possible to end this very questionable year. Look after yourselves and stay safe. My heart goes out to those who have lost someone to this horrible virus and those who have struggled but we have got this!

 

Lots of love

Meg.x 

2019 Here I come...

First of all, thank you for the love on my first post, i appreciate every single one of you. This post is so you can get to know more about me and my goals for 2019. I hope you enjoy ready and can join me for the ride. 

This topic is a sore subject for me. Something that I’ve really struggled with talking about growing up. I’ve always been a big girl, the tallest in my class, the one who looks 5 times older than she is, the one who gets starred at walking through college and the one who hides behind everyone in group photos. The list goes on. I’ve never really spoke about how that affected me mentally. It knocked my confidence and its only now that I’ve come to realize how it affected my mental health. Period. From 2014/2017 I was never in photos, id always hide. I never wanted the fear of someone seeing the photo and saying ‘ewww look at her’ or ‘seen the size of her’. I never went to parties at school, again because of photos & never feeling comfortable shopping for new clothes (maternity clothes can I just add) to wear that didn’t make me look 25 at the age of 16. I never went to school or college as my uniform didn’t fit me & I didn’t want the embarrassment of buying bigger sizes than I already was. When the girls used to get changed in the changing rooms, id hide in the toilets and sweat and struggle to change back into my uniform that was too small. One because it was embarrassing and two because I didn't want people seeing my size 14 body. (at the age of 15) Id have comments sniggered behind my back, people staring when trying to get/fit in a ride at a theme park, always the last in the PE fitness test because let’s face it, the fat girl couldn’t run. I hated the conversations about finding a boyfriend or who I was seeing because how could I sit there and explain that no-one is attracted to this. This was only ever my fault. I got too comfortable. I tried and tried fad diet after diet. I can remember not eating for 2 days and celebrating in my room that i'd made an achievement and I was finally going to be skinny. I can remember eating a mento, a mint mento, and thinking I’ve put 2 stone on. This happened for 3 years (that I can remember); along with other childhood traumas, I think I blocked the rest from my memory.

(2016 - 2018)

This is something I still struggle with day to day. I struggle making an effort when I feel so low. I struggle with the concept of moving and trying out new places because of the routine of fitting in somewhere and finding people who accept me for how I look.

The first way humans deal with emotion or trauma is to comfort eat and this is something I admit I do every time. I was never shown any other way. Im a closed book, I bottle things up for 6 months, then explode. Its how I do it every time. well now its time for a change. I'm ready for a change. I'm tired. Literally tired all the time. I'm sick of wearing the same clothes because no other ones fit me, I'm sick of having a wardrobe full of clothes that don't fit me. Its time for me to kick 2019 in the ass. 

Now I know to some people how this can look. ‘why don’t you just go on a diet’ why don’t you just lose weight’.  I know there are people who are way worse of than me and are fighting critical illness’ everyday but this is something so much more for me than going on a diet. After trying and trying so many times I don’t know how to anymore. I don’t know what’s healthy. I expect to see results over night and its not that easy. I think by not eating for a week I’ll have accomplished something but I’m so so wrong. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that by speaking more about it, I can come to terms with it. 2019 is my year, as I’ve said so many times. I want to end the year being a happy, HEALTHY, fighting fit, young woman with the most confidence. And I want you all to join me. Its going to take time for me find something that works for me and something that I can incorporate into my day to day routine working in the hospitality industry because that is hard! However, if you have any suggestions of what worked well for you, please throw them my way!

I’m going to make this my year of self care and love. Focusing on myself, making myself happy, cutting out the toxic people (as hard as I find this) and making the best out of myself. So please bare with me if I ever seem distant or stressed or ‘flappy’ This is going to be a shock to the system and something that I will need to adapt too. (trust me, no-one likes a girl when she’s hungry)

So there it is, one of the biggest goals for me broken down. Out there for everyone to read. If you have a similar goal, go get it girl! I know you can do it! I’m looking to restart the gym on Monday (I now cannot back out haha) and want to keep you all in the loop so keep your eyes peeled for me dying at the gym and any food plans or healthy meals I find works for me.

All my love  

Megz

What I learned in 2018

Well here she is, speaking in the third person, re-launching her blog again... What’s different this time you ask? Dedication, motivation, pride, and happiness. This makes me happy. I’ve never been good at speaking about how I feel or what I want to do so to write it all down is perfect for me.  I hope you enjoy reading and exploring it as much as I love writing it.

(sunset in liverpool, little sisters prom & huns day out in manchester)

2018 was a difficult one for me. Materialistically it should have been the best year. I got a promotion I’d longer for at work. I made friends that I now couldn’t live without. I reconnected with old friends. I brought a new car. I went on an amazing summer holiday. I travelled all over the UK. Met new amazing people. Laughed until I nearly wet myself. Became close with people I never imagined I would. I really broke down barriers that were hard for me to speak about many years ago. Made new memories and tried new things. However mentally it was the hardest year of my life. I literally hit rock bottom. But looking at my social media and speaking to my closest friends and family, you’d never have guessed it because of how I chose to portray myself as I was scared of the vulnerability. This scares me that someone could be at their lowest point however you’d never know. Always be kind to people. Everyone has a story you know nothing about.

(family holiday to cyprus 2018)

In 2018 I lost 2 people who I never imagined loosing. I lost my great nanny to dementia. And lost my first puppy Oscar who as weird as it sounds, you think will live forever. I’ve never known how to deal with grief or loss as its something I’ve never really had to deal with. I have in other ways dealt with loosing things, whether its friends or objects however when someone is taken away from you, that you know you wont see or speak to again, it hurts. And I cried like you don’t know what. That much that I think I could have cried myself a river. ‘Don’t get wrapped up in ‘life’ and being in the IT crowd’. Make time for those who matter the most. I wish I could speak to them one last time just to make sure they know how much I loved and valued their presence in my life. Family is so special. Treasure them until your dying day, tell them everyday how much you love them.

(became godmother to a beautiful baby girl, attended the christening & finally brought my own car)