2019 Here I come...

First of all, thank you for the love on my first post, i appreciate every single one of you. This post is so you can get to know more about me and my goals for 2019. I hope you enjoy ready and can join me for the ride. 

This topic is a sore subject for me. Something that I’ve really struggled with talking about growing up. I’ve always been a big girl, the tallest in my class, the one who looks 5 times older than she is, the one who gets starred at walking through college and the one who hides behind everyone in group photos. The list goes on. I’ve never really spoke about how that affected me mentally. It knocked my confidence and its only now that I’ve come to realize how it affected my mental health. Period. From 2014/2017 I was never in photos, id always hide. I never wanted the fear of someone seeing the photo and saying ‘ewww look at her’ or ‘seen the size of her’. I never went to parties at school, again because of photos & never feeling comfortable shopping for new clothes (maternity clothes can I just add) to wear that didn’t make me look 25 at the age of 16. I never went to school or college as my uniform didn’t fit me & I didn’t want the embarrassment of buying bigger sizes than I already was. When the girls used to get changed in the changing rooms, id hide in the toilets and sweat and struggle to change back into my uniform that was too small. One because it was embarrassing and two because I didn't want people seeing my size 14 body. (at the age of 15) Id have comments sniggered behind my back, people staring when trying to get/fit in a ride at a theme park, always the last in the PE fitness test because let’s face it, the fat girl couldn’t run. I hated the conversations about finding a boyfriend or who I was seeing because how could I sit there and explain that no-one is attracted to this. This was only ever my fault. I got too comfortable. I tried and tried fad diet after diet. I can remember not eating for 2 days and celebrating in my room that i'd made an achievement and I was finally going to be skinny. I can remember eating a mento, a mint mento, and thinking I’ve put 2 stone on. This happened for 3 years (that I can remember); along with other childhood traumas, I think I blocked the rest from my memory.

(2016 - 2018)

This is something I still struggle with day to day. I struggle making an effort when I feel so low. I struggle with the concept of moving and trying out new places because of the routine of fitting in somewhere and finding people who accept me for how I look.

The first way humans deal with emotion or trauma is to comfort eat and this is something I admit I do every time. I was never shown any other way. Im a closed book, I bottle things up for 6 months, then explode. Its how I do it every time. well now its time for a change. I'm ready for a change. I'm tired. Literally tired all the time. I'm sick of wearing the same clothes because no other ones fit me, I'm sick of having a wardrobe full of clothes that don't fit me. Its time for me to kick 2019 in the ass. 

Now I know to some people how this can look. ‘why don’t you just go on a diet’ why don’t you just lose weight’.  I know there are people who are way worse of than me and are fighting critical illness’ everyday but this is something so much more for me than going on a diet. After trying and trying so many times I don’t know how to anymore. I don’t know what’s healthy. I expect to see results over night and its not that easy. I think by not eating for a week I’ll have accomplished something but I’m so so wrong. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that by speaking more about it, I can come to terms with it. 2019 is my year, as I’ve said so many times. I want to end the year being a happy, HEALTHY, fighting fit, young woman with the most confidence. And I want you all to join me. Its going to take time for me find something that works for me and something that I can incorporate into my day to day routine working in the hospitality industry because that is hard! However, if you have any suggestions of what worked well for you, please throw them my way!

I’m going to make this my year of self care and love. Focusing on myself, making myself happy, cutting out the toxic people (as hard as I find this) and making the best out of myself. So please bare with me if I ever seem distant or stressed or ‘flappy’ This is going to be a shock to the system and something that I will need to adapt too. (trust me, no-one likes a girl when she’s hungry)

So there it is, one of the biggest goals for me broken down. Out there for everyone to read. If you have a similar goal, go get it girl! I know you can do it! I’m looking to restart the gym on Monday (I now cannot back out haha) and want to keep you all in the loop so keep your eyes peeled for me dying at the gym and any food plans or healthy meals I find works for me.

All my love  

Megz