2020, where do I even begin...
Well its been a while and a lot has happened to say the very least...
I started off this year with the most optimism I’ve ever had. A year I was going to absolutely smash and be a year I could look back on and be proud of. Safe to say we're in November and this definitely isn’t the case. I started it with the mind set to become the new healthier, slimmer and more confident me and it got to February and I was no where near my goal. Don’t get me wrong, I'd had the best time, I'd been on a holiday with one of my closest friends and met some of the most amazing people then COVID-19 struck.
I was a workaholic, work was my life and I was so damn proud to be where I was at the age I was. However, that all came to a standstill when the country went into national lockdown. This threw me right off my game. I had my career path set out and I was then unfortunately made redundant in August. I was lost. I had no direction and didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve always had a major fear of being lonely after going through a very bad time during my high school and college years. A time I never wanted to go back to, however the group of people who got me through this was my group of friends. They are honestly the best people to walk this planet. The messages, the FaceTime’s, the late night meet ups for coffee (2 meters apart in separate cars obviously) Alongside these I had the most amazing family supporting me in every way they could and backing my every move.
Now these ‘moves’ weren’t the best moves and its safe to say I definitely went off the rails. I spent more days drunk than sober, I spent money I definitely didn’t have and found myself going days without making time for my family. None the less losing every moral and life lesson I had always stood by. I had always been so confident with who I was and very proud when I said this, however this year has been a massive eye opener for me. I was lying to those around me, I was hurting those who had been there for me the most, I was making the wrong decisions and not even questioning it. I had lost myself completely. I had gone from being surrounded by the best work family, aspirations and goals to completely clueless.
Not many of you will know, and this might be one of the strangest ways to address things to my nearest and dearest but I actually fell in love with a woman. For someone who’s always been so confident in my sexuality and such an open minded person, this scared me. But what can I say, I like men and women. My family & friends have never and will never judge anybody regardless of who they fall in love with, what they look like or what they believe in. The one thing they care about is that those people are good people and this is something I am forever grateful for. So for them to be so accepting of me is something I will appreciate until the day I die. Falling in love has made me make silly mistakes, hurt people I never wanted to hurt, tread on people while trying to get to the top & try to make too many people happy without thinking about myself. I’ve hurt those closest to me and lost friends I thought I’d die with. But, I’ve learnt a hell of a lot of lessons and I can only say they will make me a better person in the long run. By all means I’ll never be perfect but I am a good person with a big heart and these mistakes will only help me.
When I sit and say I wanted to be proud of myself this year, I’m actually writing this thinking to myself, no I am damn proud of myself and so should all of you reading this. We are going through a global pandemic and we are all still standing, smiling and giving it our everything. So you should all be proud of yourselves too. I have said multiple times 2020 has been the worst year of my life but it’s the one year I’ve also learnt so much about myself from.
I am starting a new job, I have applied and been offered an unconditional place at an amazing university next year, I have had the best memories and laughs but had the most heartbreak and tears. I’ve watched my sister become an amazing manager and strong minded young woman and watched one of my best friends give birth to the most beautiful little boy. I’ve sang and danced & I’ve lived and learnt…Yes I may have written my car off in an RTC and lost my little red baby but I’m alive, I’m healthy and I’m breathing.
As we enter another lockdown, please don’t feel like your alone. There are so many people that care about you and are there for you to speak to. Me being one of them. I am finally finding my feet again. I have a new career opportunity, I am starting to be happy on my own again and dependent on myself & I have and will say again, the bestest family behind me and some of the most amazing friends that I love with all of my heart. Every single person reading this will have had an impact on who I am today and I am forever grateful of you.
Please all of you keep believing in yourself. Never change who you are for anyone else, don’t get caught up in silly drama and gossip and never change your morals. Always listen to your gut and stand your ground. You can only be the best version of you and I believe in you, I really do.
Please all take care of yourselves and try and have the best Christmas possible to end this very questionable year. Look after yourselves and stay safe. My heart goes out to those who have lost someone to this horrible virus and those who have struggled but we have got this!
Lots of love
Meg.x
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